Bonding & attachment
The bonding/attachment process is the way in which parents and their children begin to fall in love with each other. This process begins during pregnancy, is reinforced in the moments just after birth and continues to develop through the first three years of childhood and beyond.
Simple, instinctual behaviours such as loving eye contact, gentle touching, smiling and rocking are essential components in this process. In order for an infant to develop a sense of security in his relationships, his needs need to be met consistently by a loving, reliable and sensitive caregiver. The following list indicates a number of attributes associated with healthy bonding.
Symptoms of healthy bonding
- Good sense of self-worth and self-esteem
- Independent and autonomous
- Resilient in the face of adversity
- Ability to manage impulses and feelings in a healthy way
- Ability to maintain long-term friendships
- Good relationships with parents, caregivers and other authority figures
- Trust, intimacy and affection
- Empathy, compassion and clear conscience
- Good behaviour and academic success at school
The bonding & attachment process affects us in every aspect of our lives, including our physical, neurological, emotional, psychological, social and spiritual development. It becomes the basis for our development of trust, sense of self-worth and ultimately shapes how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to the world and other people.
Bonding & Attachment issues
When this process is interrupted, or does not occur at all, infants and children can develop specific problems in one or more of these areas. These can manifest as behavioural, emotional and learning difficulties as well as possible developmental delays. The degree of disturbance can vary from quite mild to severe.
Potential causes of disturbed bonding & attachment:
- Prenatal causes – including unwanted pregnancies, in utero drug and alcohol exposure as well as violence, illness and extreme or prolonged stress during pregnancy.
- Premature birth and/or other significant birth trauma
- Maternal post-natal depression.
- Early hospitalisation
- Separation from a primary carer
- Adoption
- Frequent moves and/or placements
- Insensitive parenting that lacks respect, discipline, consistency and sensitivity
- Abuse
- Neglect
It used to be thought that if the bonding-attachment process was interrupted, or even did not happen at all, then there was no way in which it could be changed. However, it is now recognised that the brain is highly plastic and continues to change and adapt to new situations and circumstances throughout life. This means that, with the appropriate therapeutic care and support, a child who did not have a secure early attachment experience can begin to re-pattern this process in a more positive direction. Positive re-patterning of early bonding-attachment issues can also occur in teenagers and adults.
In many cases, families who have children with compromised bonding and attachment find that they become overwhelmed due to the extreme nature of the children’s behaviour. Traditional parenting techniques do not work with these children and so it is important that parents are able to find the support they need in order to help them cope. This often needs to be a combination of appropriate therapy for the child along with the parents learning effective therapeutic parenting skills.
For a more fully comprehensive understanding of bonding and attachment, please see the downloadable ebook Bonding, Attachment and Separation